Consumer Gratitude

Whoever thought of putting Barnes & Nobles inside Starbuck's? It's genius!!! I absolutely love drinking my soy skim latte while having thousands of books and magazines to browse.  I find it so enjoyable that I usually go back for a second latte. I love to lose myself in books. And I love my soy skim lattes. It's like.......they know me!!!! 

Jesus of Wall Sreet

If Jesus were on Wall Street would the jittery financial markets really be so jittery? kinda' makes ya think.

Reflections, 2:00 AM

It was real nice out last night. And when it gets all nice like that I like sittin' outside my trailor. My old lady crashed around12:30 after that great fuck I gave her. I was sittin' out there in my lawn lounger chillin' out, smokin' a Camel light, I was drinkin' my last Foster's ( gotta' swing by WAWA) and I was pumpin' out some Motley Crue from my boom box. The sky was real clear and I was lookin' up at the stars and I was thinkin......thinkin' 'bout my life.........thinkin' 'bout how different It woulda been if I'd taken that job in New York. Ya know,........just thinkin'

The waking hours

In the dream, we're on a scooter riding through downtown Concepcion. I ask her, "Why did you ask me back here?" There's no answer. There's no answer because she didn't.

The grocery store is in an upper middle class section of Northern Virginia. It's a specialty grocery store. Aside from all of the normal wares that can be found at any run of the mill grocery, this place has a wine store, a dining area, a buffet, and all of the accoutrements that the Northern Virginia soccer moms and power players desire. There is organic shampoo, foot stones, earth friendly dish soap, even over priced patio furniture.
The slow girl is in the dining area. She works there, she is some sort of busser. She is watching me eat. I've seen her before, I imagine she remembers me. She is of slight build, wears thick glasses, and is young. She is maybe nineteen years old. She has watched me eat before. It doesn't/didn't bother me until the day of the dream. Because on that day, I looked back at her. I didn't stare, I wasn't being malevolent, I just looked back. At times, since the day, I regret looking back. I saw behind those eyes for the first time and I saw something I can't unlearn. The slow girl certainly mentally disabled in some way, but it seems just not enough. She is socially awkward, of course, but the worst part is that she knows it. She is not slow enough to be oblivious to the fact that there is a side of life that she's missing. It is a hellish thought, but true enough. In that moment when I looked back at here, I knew that she was aware that there was a part of life she was missing. She is aware that there is a universe of experiences out there that are just out of reach. It was sad for a moment, but in that moment I could have lived the rest of my life without making the next realization. In the moment that followed I realized that we were the same, she and I.

Sundays

Mixed Martial Arts is demanding. That's why, after several matches in the octagon, I'm so ready for a lazy afternoon curled up on my sofa with a good book.

Phone Tag with the Pope

The Holy See, Cardinal Albertini speaking.

Hi how are you, is Pope Benedict in?

No I'm afraid he's out of the office at the moment. Can I take a message?

Ah....yeah..... if you could?  Ah.....just let him know that Jerry called about the blessing via satellite of the Catholics with Shingles annual conference in Boston. He and I had spoken a few weeks back and he said he'd be happy to do it.

Absolutley, I'll let him know you called. He does have your number?

Yeah yeah but let give to you anyway, I know he's busy and may have lost it. It's 212-787-4519 extension 16 

I'll let him know that you called.

Thanks so much.

The next day

(anwering machine) Beeeeeeeep!!! Hello Jerry, this is Pope Benedict XVI just returning your call. If you could give me a few more details about what we discussed that would be great. I do recall meeting you but I must confess that I can't remember exactly what it was we talked about. I'll be here at the Vatican for......lets see........it's 2:15 now........probably until 3:30. Talk to you soon.

3:35

Holy See Cardinal Albertini speaking.

Yeah.....hi....it's Jerry Linderman again is the Holy Father in?

No........you just missed him. Are you the one calling about the blessing at that annual meeting?

Yeah.....I am

He said you might be calling at some point.

Do you know when he's gonna be back?

oooooh........I'm really not sure....hold on...Father Francis, do we have any idea when His Holiness will be back in the office......no......ok.......We really don't know. I know that he's saying Mass from 4:00 to 5:30 and then he's presiding over a meeting of the Vatican Finance Commitee so......you know.....I really never know when he'll be back. I will certainly let him know you called.

Yeah.....ok.......ah..... thats fine. Jerry Linderman and he does have my number.

The Next Day:

Answering machine:beeeeep!!! Jerry this is Pope Benedict again.........returning your call........ahhhh......it's about 1:30 here in Rome.......so it's probablly about.........oh gosh...... 8:00 am where you are? You're probablly not even in the office yet. I definitely do want to talk to you but we seem to keep missing each other. I'll be here until 4:00.........and ahhhhh...... I look forward to hearing from you. God bless.

4:19 

Holy See Cardinal Albertini speaking

Yeah.....it's Jerry Linderman agian. Please tell me that the Holy Father is in.

oooooooh.....I'm afraid not he's at a Children's Hospital in Parma and tomorrow he leaves for ten days in South America. He might be back in the office today for a little bit, but I'm really not certain.

Ok...........man.......I just.....I just keep missing him. So he's gonna be in South America for ten days? ummmm........let me think....let me think.

I can put directly to his voicemail, if that helps?

Ahhhhhhh.......yeah...... yeah......ok........ummmm.......  yeah lets do that.

Voice Mail:   This is Pope Benedict XVI  I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a detailed message and a number where you can be reached and I will return your call as soon as possible. May God bless you.

Beeeeeeeeeep!!!! Yes......your Holiness......this is Jerry Linderman again. We just can't seem to 

reach each other. I was in the office the other morning and .......ah.....and I thought to myself let me just run down and grab a coffee; we have a Starbucks in the lobby of my building; I thought....you know...... how long could this take? I even thought to myself what do you want to bet that the Holy Father calls just as I'm going down the elevator. Sure enough!!! I know you're heading to South America tomorrow but Cardinal Albertini who, by the way, is fantastic! said that there was a chance that you'd be back in the office later today. If you are please give me a call. Again this is Jerry Linderman about the Sattalite hookup for the blessing of our annual meeting.......Catholics with Shingles we discussed it a few weeks ago and you expressed a lot of interest........so.......please call me today if you get a chance. Jerry Linderman 212-787-4519 extension 16.

Answering machine:

Beeeeeeeep!!! Jerry this is Pope Benedict XVI sorry I couldn't get you........ah.........I am leaving for South America tomorrow morning but I'm here now finishing a little paper work before my trip so.......... if you can call in the next few minutes I will be here but after that I'm........ya' know.......... gone ...............ahhhhh.........I guess......if you can just fax me the dates I'll see what I can do. That's about the best I can do right now. I'll be back on the 17th and I'll try to reach you then. God bless.

Holy See Cardinal Albertini speaking.

Hi Father it's Jerry Linderman again. Did the Holy Father leave already?

He did Jerry, Im sorry. He'll be back on the 17th.........if you can wait.

Yeah.........ummm...........ok.......can you give me his voicemail again?

Answering machine:

This is Pope Benedict XVI  I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a detailed message and a number where you can be reached and I will return your call as soon as possible. May God bless you

Beeeeeeeeeep!!!!

 Your Holyness; Jerry Linderman again..............ahhhhh......where gonna have the Dahli Lama do the blessing.......ummmmm......I really.......appreciate your interest and I'm sorry we just........you know could make it happen but.......ahhhh.........you know.......I'll be in touch in the future and ahhh......I guess have a safe trip in South America.......ahhhh.......take care.

North Katchawatchi, Minnesota: 

An employee of Stobart Canned Foods, Inc.  has apparently gone on a shooting rampage inside the companies North Katchawatchi plant. Officials say that 47 year old employee Earl Perry Jr. arrived at work Thursday morning armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing darts indiscriminately at coworkers. By the time the shooting finally stopped at 9:45 AM EST, seventeen employees of the North Katchawatchi plant were in a deep sleep and thirteen more in a groggy stupor.  Employee and witness Evelyn Schutzer described the scene . "he just burst through the door like he was all agitated and began shootin'. He was mumblin' somethin' bout free trade and his bowlin' shoes not fittin' too good. Tactical units of the Sakawah County SWAT sealed off the plant by 10:00 and entered the facility 10:05. Seargent Matt Comisky was one of the first to enter the plant. 

"Most of the victims were found in the companies' cafeteria, having breakfast I suppose, It was a terrible sight, bodies laying everywhere, drool, some still in their seats, all snoring heavily. It's the worst incident of it's kind I've ever seen in my fourteen years in law enforcement". 

Authorities eventually located Perry in a men's room stall where the gunman had barricaded himself. At 10:14 AM tactical units entered the men's room and found Perry snoring in a stall with an apparent self-inflicted tranquilizer dart in his foot. In his truck authorities recovered a one page manifesto railing against the Police (the band) , NAFTA, and microwave popcorn. 

Sleep therapists and grief counselors are standing by to assist families of victims. Perry is to be arraigned on Monday morning.

His Wholeyness

Just returned from my audience with Pope Benedict XVI and I'm still beaming. The experience was so extraordinary and so beautiful that I get goose bumps just describing it. His Holiness thanked me for the work that I do helping others  and I thanked him for his moral and spiritual leadership in these dark days. Then I told him to pull my finger. HUGE mistake!!! But nonetheless a great experience.

High-Ku

money is crucial

old man's balls smell of gouda

time to make the dough

FUN FACT!

Little Jimmy Thompson of Schenectady, NY writes:

How long can a human head live after being severed?

Great question Jimmy! Approximately 8 seconds!

For posting your question we're sending you a Two Men and a Hammock™ tee shirt!

Criminal injustice system

I'm apparently being charged for assault and battery. I find this unbelievable. What part of "this is Sparta!!!" did my neighbor's Lawn Doctor guy not understand?

Birthday Wishes

Mrs. Harriett Ekton of Sioux Falls, Iowa is 97 years YOUNG today. We just want to wish her all the best. Still active in her church choir and, we're told, plays a mean game of bingo. When she finally has a little time to spare she looks after her four, count 'em FOUR! cats, Eanny, Meeny, Miney, and you guessed it, Mo. They're identical Siamese, amazing! How does she tell 'em apart ? That's what we wanted to know too, so we asked her. "Oh, I just put out the goats milk and they come right to it". Isn't she fantastic? God bless!!! I'd like to give her the high hard one right in the poop shoot.

Lets see what the weather is doing in the tri-state area.

Scotch-Blog 2008

This is the first of undoubtedly many entries from a bar:

Setalip68:dateline april 2008, Texas de Brazil, Fairfax. Watching golf with Bill Hoffman

Bill appreciates me. I really think he does. He is courteous and attentive when I'm around. I wish we had met when we were both twelve because we could have gotten all fucked up in my treehouse. But now we are sad old men with shattered hopes and dreams. But we can still get fucked up, right Bill? There's still time. It's the bottom of the ninth and Bill Hoffman's on the mound pitchin' good times. It isn't too late.

Alfric: Well put, setalip. One question, however... Isn't it too late? That's what I've always been told. This reminiscent chatter is the epitomy of intellectual masturbation. Somehow, however useless, this entry fits in perfectly with our motiff. And so... Kudos to you.

Setalip68;I was watching Star Trek one day when I was a kid. I was with my older brother. My Grandfather walked into the room and asked what we were watching. We said it was Star Trek. He asked "what's that"? We told him it was about a starship that traveled around the galaxy exploring new worlds and strange alien cultures. He watched for a moment, then shook his head and said "eh, there's no place like earth" and walked out of the room.

Alfric: The only time I solicited a prostitute was after a bachelor party with my roommate. We didn't double team her because A) she didn't do oral and B) because she kept talking about how she "was just trying to feed (her) kids". For some reason, this made me want to go down on her. It could have been the residual whipped cream on her vagina however. I guess I'll never know.

Setalip:did somebody say whipped cream? Mmmmmmmmmm!!!! On pie? double mmmmmmmmms If you were a pie what kind would you be? I get asked that a lot. It's not an easy question, I love them all but I guess it would be turnip pie because it doesn't exist but if it did it would rare and precious.


Alfric: my first documented erection was during the challenger explosion. Mind you, waking up with an erection doesn't quite count since I don't count the ability to fly as one of my abilities. Was I sure that I could fly when I woke up? Absolutely. Could I duplicate that which I had seen in my dream? Unfortunately, no. Back to erections! My first masturbatory experience followed the explosion closely. It was to an Art book that, naturally, depicted breasts...hmmm... There it goes again. Just at the mere sight of the word breasts, I'm again aroused for the countless time.

More at a later date....

...I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this...

(Sigh) There it is . Mm. Dammit. I don't know what it is about this one, (The young starlet positioned to the right or above this text is one, Jessica Simpson) but she makes me want to drink the Kool-Aid. If I believed something as ridiculous and malicious as the existence of the christian god, I would fold for this one. I would fall over like a tent full of drunken teenagers. I'd pray. Hell, I'd join the Army. Do you have any idea how many Arabs I would bury wrapped in pig fat to have a crack at this all star piece of....work? Quite a few.

Now I'm not obsessed with stars or starlets or actors or celebrities in general. But there are two people I like to occasionally glimpse over at the glittery abomination just to see... maychance to dream??.... Those two people are both women... however, one of them, the aforementioned, I look at out of sheer heartfelt want and wanton lust. The other I look upon with even greater emotion: morbid fascination. Deep, delicious, intoxicating fascination at the absolute debacle of a life that has become one Britney Spears.

(Gasp) Ohhh, how delightful. You sweet, beautiful, misunderstood thing.

Fun Fact: Bobby Brown produced Britney's Second Studio Album, 'Oops....I did it again'. Incidentally, Whitney Houston, on September 14, 2006, filed for legal seperation from Bobby Brown. Who cares, right? September 14, 2006 is one year, almost to the day, that Britney and Kevin Federline's first child was born, and exactly the day that their second was born. Coincidence? Right..... and there's no such thing as luck.

The funny thing about all the hubbub surrounding Ms. Spears is that they all have that tinge of morbidity, of foreshadowing. It is as if every one of these vultures wants to make damn sure that their piece ran right before she choked on her own vomit. That they called it because they had a connection. They were true artists, overshadowed by the Mouseketeer who would go on to suck on the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun and paint the ceiling with a sanguine hue that would look almost inspired in the blinding light of the forensic pathologist's lamp. They would profit and benefit for years to come as being the ones that were right there when this once bright and shining star simply decided that she had seen everything. She would come to a grim realization that a great many of us do; that this is all there is. This is your life. The difference between Ms. Spears' realization and our own is that we may never have gotten so high. We've never seen the other side of the pile of money. To get that high that quickly must be very exhilerating only to find that you can't get any higher.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.

Shine on you crazy diamond

Pink Floyd

1974

But I digress.....

Perhaps I'll follow with a fart joke to lighten this side up a bit.

Alfric Mordem

Good morning Mr. Whipperwillow I said as I opened my window this morning. The Spring air is indescribably invigorating. I found myself wanting to share this moment with as many of God's creatures as I could. Hello Mr. Bumbble Bee, please give my best to the hyacinth. Well aren't you the cutest little lady bug If I were a man bug we go spoon under the lilac bush. Oh delicious spring how I love thee!!! Life is renewed in never ending, but always awe inspiring cycles, rhythms and pulses of life, precious precious life. I feel blessed.

Three independent studies into the effects of verbal communication on the unborn (still in womb) conducted at Cambridge (Evans and Grahm 2001) UCLA Irvine (Garrett, Porter & Chung 2003) and Johns Hopkins  Natal Iniciative Project, 1998 confirm a long held belief by the Pyscho-Enutero Community as to the positive effects of verbal interaction by a mother with her unborn child. The effects are considered important building blocks in early post-partem cognitive and social development. As Men we obviously lack the inherent biology to have such an experience on either a visceral and organic level nor can we appreciate the profound emotional and psychological experience that the mother- child bond represents...........or can we?  

Blog blog blog

My associate's hard hitting social commentary and speculation about technology and its role in our society (a la recurring themes in literature, Man vs. Machine; I, robot, Bladerunner... he really just wants to bang an android. No shit.) are not unlike the Iraq war. I'm not sure I could adequately explain what I mean by that in any cogent sense. But maybe therein lies the truth in my statement, when it comes to the Iraq War, no explanation necessary! I'm all for that movement! Got ya pregnant? Sorry, Iraq War. Bumped your car? Hey, we're all in this together. Accidentally let your sister give me a handjob in the Sonic parking lot? Whose side are you on anyway, pal? I won't harp on the war anymore. I find the arguments trite and circular, not unlike my associate's hard hitting social commentary and speculation about technology and it's role in our society....wait, I'm doing it again.

Chocolate Pudding

When not blogging (as I do) I enjoy listening to They Might be Giants on my Ipod.

I've got a subject; school buses. Man do I hate getting stuck behind one of them. Anybody else??? they're so damn slow and noisy, all full of their "precious cargo" Please!!! See, I told you this thing would be dangerous. I got strong opinions man. I'm a straight talker. I say it like it is. I'm not someone you want to be giving a forum to. I don't know how to be tactful or diplomatic.

I think that I could get to work really fast if I had a rocket backpack. My morning commute isn't all that bad, but I wouldn't have to worry about anything if I had a rocket backpack. Infact, I'm so certain, that I would get to work so much faster that I would go so far as to say that the only certainties in this life are death, taxes, and me getting to work faster with a rocket backpack.

A waste of time

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Not so fast Alfric, This blog is NOT to be a frivolous exercise in the mundane. I regard this blog as serving the community, a crossroads for the exchange of ideas, the sharing of confidences and knowledge. A joyous celebration of who we are and where we have come from. Our differences are our strength, our diversity shall be our source of unity!!!

Then again.... I did have the nastiest shit this morning. I always shit great in the morning following my two cups of coffee; 100% Arabica  delightfully caffineated as all coffee should be (decaffinted coffee is truly akin to non-alcholic beer). 

A greeting.

It's April in the Washington DC metro. The cherry blossoms are standing at attention and the weather is beautiful. All the while, the world stands on the brink of utter chaos.
This blog is an experiment undertaken by two men who have little to say on current events or the forces at work that shape our imminent demise. Rather, these men focus on the mundane, the silly, the day to day. Welcome, reader. Prepare to be consumed by minutiae.


When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
-Mark Twain