North Katchawatchi, Minnesota: 

An employee of Stobart Canned Foods, Inc.  has apparently gone on a shooting rampage inside the companies North Katchawatchi plant. Officials say that 47 year old employee Earl Perry Jr. arrived at work Thursday morning armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing darts indiscriminately at coworkers. By the time the shooting finally stopped at 9:45 AM EST, seventeen employees of the North Katchawatchi plant were in a deep sleep and thirteen more in a groggy stupor.  Employee and witness Evelyn Schutzer described the scene . "he just burst through the door like he was all agitated and began shootin'. He was mumblin' somethin' bout free trade and his bowlin' shoes not fittin' too good. Tactical units of the Sakawah County SWAT sealed off the plant by 10:00 and entered the facility 10:05. Seargent Matt Comisky was one of the first to enter the plant. 

"Most of the victims were found in the companies' cafeteria, having breakfast I suppose, It was a terrible sight, bodies laying everywhere, drool, some still in their seats, all snoring heavily. It's the worst incident of it's kind I've ever seen in my fourteen years in law enforcement". 

Authorities eventually located Perry in a men's room stall where the gunman had barricaded himself. At 10:14 AM tactical units entered the men's room and found Perry snoring in a stall with an apparent self-inflicted tranquilizer dart in his foot. In his truck authorities recovered a one page manifesto railing against the Police (the band) , NAFTA, and microwave popcorn. 

Sleep therapists and grief counselors are standing by to assist families of victims. Perry is to be arraigned on Monday morning.

His Wholeyness

Just returned from my audience with Pope Benedict XVI and I'm still beaming. The experience was so extraordinary and so beautiful that I get goose bumps just describing it. His Holiness thanked me for the work that I do helping others  and I thanked him for his moral and spiritual leadership in these dark days. Then I told him to pull my finger. HUGE mistake!!! But nonetheless a great experience.

High-Ku

money is crucial

old man's balls smell of gouda

time to make the dough

FUN FACT!

Little Jimmy Thompson of Schenectady, NY writes:

How long can a human head live after being severed?

Great question Jimmy! Approximately 8 seconds!

For posting your question we're sending you a Two Men and a Hammock™ tee shirt!

Criminal injustice system

I'm apparently being charged for assault and battery. I find this unbelievable. What part of "this is Sparta!!!" did my neighbor's Lawn Doctor guy not understand?

Birthday Wishes

Mrs. Harriett Ekton of Sioux Falls, Iowa is 97 years YOUNG today. We just want to wish her all the best. Still active in her church choir and, we're told, plays a mean game of bingo. When she finally has a little time to spare she looks after her four, count 'em FOUR! cats, Eanny, Meeny, Miney, and you guessed it, Mo. They're identical Siamese, amazing! How does she tell 'em apart ? That's what we wanted to know too, so we asked her. "Oh, I just put out the goats milk and they come right to it". Isn't she fantastic? God bless!!! I'd like to give her the high hard one right in the poop shoot.

Lets see what the weather is doing in the tri-state area.

Scotch-Blog 2008

This is the first of undoubtedly many entries from a bar:

Setalip68:dateline april 2008, Texas de Brazil, Fairfax. Watching golf with Bill Hoffman

Bill appreciates me. I really think he does. He is courteous and attentive when I'm around. I wish we had met when we were both twelve because we could have gotten all fucked up in my treehouse. But now we are sad old men with shattered hopes and dreams. But we can still get fucked up, right Bill? There's still time. It's the bottom of the ninth and Bill Hoffman's on the mound pitchin' good times. It isn't too late.

Alfric: Well put, setalip. One question, however... Isn't it too late? That's what I've always been told. This reminiscent chatter is the epitomy of intellectual masturbation. Somehow, however useless, this entry fits in perfectly with our motiff. And so... Kudos to you.

Setalip68;I was watching Star Trek one day when I was a kid. I was with my older brother. My Grandfather walked into the room and asked what we were watching. We said it was Star Trek. He asked "what's that"? We told him it was about a starship that traveled around the galaxy exploring new worlds and strange alien cultures. He watched for a moment, then shook his head and said "eh, there's no place like earth" and walked out of the room.

Alfric: The only time I solicited a prostitute was after a bachelor party with my roommate. We didn't double team her because A) she didn't do oral and B) because she kept talking about how she "was just trying to feed (her) kids". For some reason, this made me want to go down on her. It could have been the residual whipped cream on her vagina however. I guess I'll never know.

Setalip:did somebody say whipped cream? Mmmmmmmmmm!!!! On pie? double mmmmmmmmms If you were a pie what kind would you be? I get asked that a lot. It's not an easy question, I love them all but I guess it would be turnip pie because it doesn't exist but if it did it would rare and precious.


Alfric: my first documented erection was during the challenger explosion. Mind you, waking up with an erection doesn't quite count since I don't count the ability to fly as one of my abilities. Was I sure that I could fly when I woke up? Absolutely. Could I duplicate that which I had seen in my dream? Unfortunately, no. Back to erections! My first masturbatory experience followed the explosion closely. It was to an Art book that, naturally, depicted breasts...hmmm... There it goes again. Just at the mere sight of the word breasts, I'm again aroused for the countless time.

More at a later date....

...I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this...

(Sigh) There it is . Mm. Dammit. I don't know what it is about this one, (The young starlet positioned to the right or above this text is one, Jessica Simpson) but she makes me want to drink the Kool-Aid. If I believed something as ridiculous and malicious as the existence of the christian god, I would fold for this one. I would fall over like a tent full of drunken teenagers. I'd pray. Hell, I'd join the Army. Do you have any idea how many Arabs I would bury wrapped in pig fat to have a crack at this all star piece of....work? Quite a few.

Now I'm not obsessed with stars or starlets or actors or celebrities in general. But there are two people I like to occasionally glimpse over at the glittery abomination just to see... maychance to dream??.... Those two people are both women... however, one of them, the aforementioned, I look at out of sheer heartfelt want and wanton lust. The other I look upon with even greater emotion: morbid fascination. Deep, delicious, intoxicating fascination at the absolute debacle of a life that has become one Britney Spears.

(Gasp) Ohhh, how delightful. You sweet, beautiful, misunderstood thing.

Fun Fact: Bobby Brown produced Britney's Second Studio Album, 'Oops....I did it again'. Incidentally, Whitney Houston, on September 14, 2006, filed for legal seperation from Bobby Brown. Who cares, right? September 14, 2006 is one year, almost to the day, that Britney and Kevin Federline's first child was born, and exactly the day that their second was born. Coincidence? Right..... and there's no such thing as luck.

The funny thing about all the hubbub surrounding Ms. Spears is that they all have that tinge of morbidity, of foreshadowing. It is as if every one of these vultures wants to make damn sure that their piece ran right before she choked on her own vomit. That they called it because they had a connection. They were true artists, overshadowed by the Mouseketeer who would go on to suck on the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun and paint the ceiling with a sanguine hue that would look almost inspired in the blinding light of the forensic pathologist's lamp. They would profit and benefit for years to come as being the ones that were right there when this once bright and shining star simply decided that she had seen everything. She would come to a grim realization that a great many of us do; that this is all there is. This is your life. The difference between Ms. Spears' realization and our own is that we may never have gotten so high. We've never seen the other side of the pile of money. To get that high that quickly must be very exhilerating only to find that you can't get any higher.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.

Shine on you crazy diamond

Pink Floyd

1974

But I digress.....

Perhaps I'll follow with a fart joke to lighten this side up a bit.

Alfric Mordem